The Big, Bad Yehwah

By Tim Fake and John Bateholts

In a distant land, a long time ago there lived a creature of unspeakable power.  His name was Yehwah and he was a traveler.  He prided himself on being kind, caring, generous, and loving all creatures on earth.  His homeland was called Heofon.  He promised that anybody who followed his teachings would be allowed into his home when they retire from their life's work.  Heofon was paradise to all who lived there.

One day Yehwah set out on a trip around the world to make a list of all of the people who were following his teachings.  The first city he came across was Nolybab.  He saw that the people in that city were all acting against everything that he taught them.  He was very disappointed and didn't place any names from that city on his list.

He continued on in his journey and visited five other cities and was very upset with what he found.  The people of all five of these cities were all teaching ideas that were completely contrary to what his teachings were.

As Yehwah walked down the streets of the fifth city people began asking  him who he was and what he was doing here.  He replied "Don't you recognize me?  I am Yehwah." The people all looked at him and said "I have never heard of you." Yehwah was astonished.  He couldn't believe that they had never heard of him. He went on to tell the people that he was the creature that promised them riches beyond their belief after they retired from their life's work.  The people then said, "Ah yes, I remember my parents telling me about a creature promising that and that he was suppose to live in a land called Heofon".  Yehwah was relieved that they had finally remembered their teachings.  Then he heard the people say something that infuriated him.  They said, "That's just a fable, he didn't really exist."  This upset Yehwah so much that he stormed out of the city.

A few minutes later Yehwah heard footsteps coming up behind him.  He turned around and said in a booming voice, "What do you want!!!".  He then saw a meek figure of a man standing there with his two children and his wife by his side.  The group bowed down before Yehwah and said in a hushed voice, "We believe in you and we still follow your teachings".  Yehwah was incredibly happy with what he heard so he asked them if they would like to travel the rest of the world with him to see if he could find anymore followers.  They all said yes and so they were off.

City after city that the group went to was all over run with people teaching their own beliefs to everybody.  This dismayed Yehwah a lot.  By the end of the trip Yehwah told his companions to go to the top of the highest mountain and stay there until they were contacted by him again.  They did as they were told.  Yehwah also told two of every other type of creature on earth to also go to the mountain and stay there.

When the group and all of the creatures were on top of the mountain, Yehwah snapped his fingers and made every living creature left on the ground die of a slow, and painful death.  After the total annihilation of almost an entire civilization was over, Yehwah told the creatures on the mountain to go forth and replenish the earth with life and continue to teach what he had taught them.

But what Yehwah didn't know was that a small boy over heard him telling the creatures to go to the mountain, so the boy did that as well and was saved from destruction.  The young boy came to Yehwah and asked why he destroyed everybody when he prided himself on loving every creature on earth. Yehwah replied quickly, "It's because of my love for every creature that I destroyed them all and saved them from themselves."  The boy then asked what the creatures did that was so wrong.  Yehwah said that they had forsaken his teachings and that they didn't believe in him anymore.  The boy said, "Well what's wrong with that?  Doesn't everybody have the right to believe in what ever they want?  Isn't that what free will is for?  Why should everybody be forced to believe in one particular thing and follow it devoutly and why should the people who do believe in this stuff be the only ones who get a reward for what they believe in?  After all, creatures being able to choose is what makes them such an intriguing civilization.  Yehwah thought about this for a long time and then said, "Your right.  I was wrong for what I did and I promise never to do it again.  And from now on everybody who shows good moral conduct, despite what what they teach, will be welcome in my home."

Two years pass and Yehwah decides to go for a visit to see how his people have done.  He comes to a city call Haromag.  All of the people of the city are in despair because of a drought.  He then over hears a person teaching some far out radical beliefs that go completely against his teachings.  He remembers his promise to the young boy but then he overhears somebody saying something blasphemous towards him.  This infuriates Yehwah and he tells two people who live in the city who teach his beliefs to leave the city and not look back.  Once the two had left the city so did Yehwah.  He then raised his hands and destroyed the entire city.  One of the people who had left the city looked back and was turned to dust.

The little boy who Yehwah made the promise to heard about the destruction of the city and now came to Yehwah as a young man.  He demanded that Yehwah tell him why he broke his promise.  Yehwah replied with a large smirk on his face, "I promised not to destroy an entire civilization because of their beliefs, this was but one city."  The boy shook his head in dismay and left without saying a word.


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